march 2024
spent 19 days in the hospital after my bowel resection it was meant to be around 10 but i got an infection after it. the first week was tough especially after they took me off morphine since i was struggling to walk and eat and stuff but the staff were super nice especually the food staff they always gave me extra biscuits :] i wasnt expecting how much my family cared about me, my mom, dad, sister and aunt visited a good handful of times and my uncle called almost everyday to see how i was its nice to feel loved. the docs said i will be sore and tired for around 3 months so im going to be taking it easy for a while.
i started watching dungeon meshi too and and its got me interested in food for the first time, whenever im hungry but guilty about taking resources senshi pops into my mind and like actually gets me to eat and now after the surgery im excited to try new food again. its such an amazing show i love how they take your typical dungeon monsters and have a biological explaination for them like mimics being crustateans and the dragon storing undigestable food as fuel and flicking their tongue against their flint like teeth to breathe fire?!? thats amazing. thats not even mentioning the perfect autistic rep that is laois he is just like me frfr. shows need to start going back to weekly releases instead of all at once it nice to have something to look forward to and being able to talk about the episodes without worrying about spoiling others.
april 2024
had to go back to the hospital since i got another infection, counting last month i spent 30 days in the hospital altogether. my room wasnt as good as my last one and i couldnt leave it since i was contagious but it was grand. i watched a lot of rtvs vods and the last 2 bluey episodes of season 3 to pass the time. ill be on antibiotics for a few more weeks. the bluey episodes were absolutely precious its such an important show im glad kids are growing up with this espiecually since a lot of other little kids shows right now are so vapid.
my uncle invited me to his house for dinner after i got home it was really nice of them but their grandkids came over and it brought up some uncomfortable feelings. the kids arent bad or anything if not a little loud but kids deserve to mees around like that. its just that the girl's preparing for her communion and she seems so excited and innocent would i have been like that without a care in the world as a kid should be? not scared awake at night waiting to be hurt? not full of pent up aggression? not knowing this a child should never know? my intrusive thoughts started coming up; what did he find appealing to a kid this age? i kept imagining her going through the things i went through i felt sick. my brain kept reminding me of the cycle of abuse will i hurt people too? am i doomed to become my abuser? i dont want to hurt anyone, no one deserves what i went through but i cant help but be scared when im around children. i want to be a good uncle i want to be someone my future nephews and nieces can confide in i want to be there for them but i dont know how to fix my brain. ill be able to go back to therapy soon so ill ask her about it hopefully she wont be too weirded out by me. ive only had 2 sessions with her so far and she dosent even know im trans yet so im nervous about how she'll react when i tell her about myself.
may 2024
didnt have to go back to hospital this month but im not feeling great either im just so tired and achey from the past couple of months it doesnt help that my summer depression has properly kicked in. im usually pretty low on these months but it feels especially hard to get out of bed this time around with the whole health thing going on. while i obviously wasnt expecting a miracle i was hoping for an more of an improvement. its a shame since i was excited for less pain and trying foods again but i think i have to come to terms with the fact that chronic illnesses progress over time my body isnt in the same state it was a couple of years ago. im schedueled to restart my infusions again in june so thatll hopefully ease things a bit.
granny is on end of life protocol now its not a surprise shes been quite shakey and forgetful for the past year and started hallucinating last month. becca and i visited her just before she got put on the heavier stuff and she was in good form. she didnt remember me but she was smiling and even laughed a couple of times it was sweet. shes much more out of it now but it is the better than watching her suffer. mom is obviously upset about her dying i never know how to help in these situations my stupid low empathy gets in the way i dont hate myself for my lack of emotion as much as i used to but its still hard when these things happen. i dont know how im supposed to react i know mom is a very physically affectionate person so ive been hugging her but what else should i do? i never really figured out how to comfort people becca says i gave good advice when she was upset with her ex but i was talking out of my ass. i wish i knew how to help i might not really feel it but i want people to be happy and have a good life.
to end this on a less depressing note one thing that has gotten me out of bed this month is paper mario and the thousand year door. i always wanted to play it as a kid but it was way too expensive and now i finally can in all its uncensored glory im so glad they didnt take the cowards way out with Vivian we need more trans rep and she is precious.
june 2024
heyy its pride month!! i used this month as a sort of shield to come out to my therapist i was so nervous and kept shaking that day and could barley get the words out but she was so normal about it??? she is a tad behind on the terminology but she simply said that if i want to be miles than im miles. she actually likes my name ive never had someone like it let alone go with my pronouns without at least some resistance. turns out she changed her name and her family hated it too so she kindof sees where im coming from. im so glad shes my therapist now and im still kicking myself for staying with the last one for so long just because i kept assuming that she had good intentions (conversion and aba therapy arent good intentions miles!!) i think i actually want to get into psychology now and my therapist has been so supportive and encouraging about it and even said psychology needs people like me and that im already emotionally intelligent. that compliment made me go from lightly considering the course to being like yes this is what i want to do in life. its weird ive never had a goal before it was kind of hard to when i never expected to live to double digits but here i am with an idea of a path i want to take in life. i hope i can help people like my therapist has been helping me or at least help to lessen the amount of people in the field who actively harm others like my last therapist.
granny passed away a couple of weeks ago my mom was actually with her when she passed thank god her sister was with her cause i cant imagine how awful it would have been for her if she was alone. her and Anne (her sister) have been leaning on eachother and im glad they have eachothers backs. i try not to spiral in these situations about my empathy but thoughts that i should be sad especually given what a huge sweetheart granny was tend to crop up but i think ive slowly been breaking these thoughts sure they still get to me but i try to think about how i can comfort others who need it instead. i did end up crying from my uncle's poem about her during the funeral you could tell he used to be an english teacher and i was far from the only one he got to tear up. granny was an absolute dote, loved animals especually dogs and songbirds, she never wanted to cause a fuss, would bake the best sheperds pie and apple pie she used to always give my money or choclate and would find a way to sneak it into my bag if i refused, she loved christmas and jude judy. of all people it was my old transphobic english teacher who was the undertaker i dont think he recognised me but i felt like i had a target on my back wearing my little trans bracelet i mean its extremely subtle that no one has noticed it yet unless i actually point it out but i still felt in danger. we have some of her stuff at home now and quite a bit of stuff was still unused and unopened it kind of cemented in my head how both granny and me have this sort of guilt with using resources or simply taking up space. she always worried about others and putting them out in anyway and would keep saving things for an important occassion that never came i do the exact same i have stuff in my room that ive never used because i feel like ill ruin it or that itll be in better hands with someone else. i should really use that sewing kit i got last year its hard to break down those insecurities but what use is it wasting away unused until i die?